“In my experience, men miss any sign of flirting short of directly asking them out.” —A woman.
The language of love is universal, but the language of initiating love is complex and context-dependent. Flirting is a common nuanced form of communication, often characterized by subtle gestures, changes in tone, as well as playful banter. I focus here on a specific group of men who frequently fail to decipher obvious nonverbal flirting signals.
Detecting Flirting Signals
“Flirting is a decaf affair, a way of feeling more alive, more vital, more desirable without actually endangering the happiness of anyone you love.” —Belinda Luscombe
“Flirting is the gentle art of making a man feel pleased with himself.” —Helen Rowland
Flirting is characterized as playful, pleasant behavior indicating that you are sexually attracted to someone; often, but not always, lacking serious intent. Flirting, which involves curiosity, humor, imagination, mystery, ambivalence, and empathy, is subtle: it is not sexual activity, but an enjoyable, gentle prelude or substitute for it. Flirting encompasses contradictory aspects: honesty, with an element of innocence, as well as a mild level of deception (expressed through flattery). In addition, flirting demonstrates caring for others, by listening to and showing interest in them while not taking them too seriously and being confident and feeling good about yourself. Flirting involves a mysterious allure that encourages the continuation of a bond (Ben-Zeev; 2019, here).
The many types of nonverbal flirting signals and flirting’s ambivalent nature are major reasons for uncertainty in deciphering flirting signals. Major female nonverbal signals involve coy smiles, holding eye contact, head tossing, touching a person’s arm and their own body, rotating the wrists outward, leaning forward, a relaxed posture, putting hands on hips, lip-biting and adopting a positive tone of voice and positive attitude (here and here).
Even if you remember all these signals, you may be wrong in deciphering them, since accurate identification depends on the specific context and personality you encounter. Thus, it was found that ovulating women are more attracted to flirty men, but only those who had genetic-fitness markers (Cantú, et al., 2014). Jeffery Hall and colleagues (2014) found that it is easier to detect if people are not interested in you than interested, and even if they are interested, it is easily missed since people accurately detect flirting only 28% of the time (Hall, et al., 2014). Another study found that individual differences in the inability to detect happiness through facial expressions is correlated to misperceptions of flirtatious behavior (Bibby, et al., 2023; see also La France, et al., 2009).
Researcher Gurit Birnbaum and colleagues found that when your partner flirts with someone else, desire for them decreases, subsequently predicting reduced investment in the relationship. However, when flirting is virtual and by definition cannot be materialised, it may elicit heightened desire for the offline partner (Birnbaum et al., 2023; 2024, and here). These findings may be different in polyamorous couples (Halevi, 2021). As one polyamorous woman said, “I don’t care if other women flirt with my husband. I believe our bond is beyond such things. When he dates another woman, it ignites a kind of jealousy in me, associated with excitement.” This may be a kind of benign jealousy.
The above findings also indicate the positive role of digital imagination in romance. Indeed, researcher Dina Pinsky found that digitally mediated flirtation has become normative for college students who believe that flirtation must include online interactions, since flirting in person is more embarrassing and emotionally risky (Pinsky, 2023; and here).
What Flirting Signals Do Men Miss?
Here are answers people responded to the question, “What flirting signals do men miss or not pick up on?” (Reddit)
Women
“Sometimes guys can have such a low self-esteem that when a girl flirts with them, they have zero clue if you're being sincere.”
“I sent him innocent messages very late at night, when my husband was sleeping, but he did not consider them flirtatious.”
“I recently attempted to start a two-person book club. I think this may have been too subtle.”
“Eye contact, smiling, laughing at jokes, etc are very ambiguous and can be interpreted in many ways. Most guys are going to default to the safe position, i.e. not flirting, because it can be VERY messy for a guy to assume flirtation when there is none and then act on that assumption.”
There are also the opposite experiences of mistaken behavior on the part of women. As a very attractive woman said, “many times, when I behave in a responsive, friendly manner but don’t mean to flirt, men interpret this as expressing sexual interest.”
Men
“Once I had a woman over and she asked if I'd go lock the door. I thought she was being weird until I turned around and her clothes were off. THEN I got it.”
Flirting Essential Reads
What Happens When Someone Flirts With Your Partner
Flirting: What Works and What Doesn’t?
“My ex told me that if she mentioned that she was free or would be bored, she wanted to spend time with me. It's obvious in hindsight but I was a dumbass.”
“I had a girl who mentioned that she had nude photos online and offered to tell me how to find them. She also said she was a bad girl and needed a spanking. Still, I didn't realize.”
Reasons Why Some Men Miss Obvious Flirting Signals
"The ability to effortlessly flirt and use playful banter involves social skills, which are not well developed in some men.” —Renée Shen
The inability of some men to decipher obvious flirting signals largely stems from personality traits such as low self-esteem, shyness, and feeling anxious. There are additional, more general reasons impacting a larger group of men: (a) the ambivalent nature of flirting, (b) assumptions about gender sexual differences; (c) women are more likely to hide their sexual desires; and (d) the penalty for reading the signals wrongly.
(a) The nature of flirting. Flirting includes playful behavior, involving uncertainty and ambivalence. Popular deceptive tactics are playing hard or easy to get, which are more expected and efficient when used by women (here).
(b) Assumptions about gender differences. It is commonly assumed that sexual desires are stronger among men, while women tend to want serious romantic relationships. This is why women are criticized more for loving sex and men are criticized more for not being serious. Being aware of these assumptions, men are more skeptical than women in interpreting flirting signals as expressing sexual invitation. This is especially true concerning men with lower self-esteem.
(c) Hiding real sexual desires. Because of their greater vulnerability in sexual relationships, women are less likely to reveal their sexual attitudes in its initial stages, and accordingly use more deceptive tactics. While men often prefer directness, women use more subtle, indirect cues, which can lead to misinterpretation.
(d) The penalty for reading signals wrongly. The penalty for men misidentifying innocent female behavior as sexual flirting is greater than a woman’s mistake. Complaints concerning sexual harassment are more common and regarded as more severe when men are the offenders.
The powerful nature of the above reasons is expressed in the fact that attractiveness is transmitted involuntarily by the phenotypic morphology of the face and is most difficult to camouflage (Gill et al., 2014). As one woman rightly said, “Actually, most guys do pick up on the signals but convince themselves that it's their imagination: ‘No way can she be interested in me.’"
Flirting is an art, but many men seem to struggle with the brush strokes—what feels like a clear signal to one can be mere background noise to another.
